


I Don't Want Your Ass!

by WETASPHALT



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Bokuto lmao I'm sorry honey, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Iwaizumi Hajime is a Good Boyfriend, M/M, Oikawa Tooru has a Complex about his Flat Butt, One Shot, Sick Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-06
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:07:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24565090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WETASPHALT/pseuds/WETASPHALT
Summary: Oikawa is scared.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 17
Kudos: 67





	I Don't Want Your Ass!

Oikawa opens his eyes; he takes in his surroundings.

The familiar sounds of volleyball shoes squeak on the gym floor, balls hitting the floor, his teammates calling out.

_School? Oh, I’m at school._

He takes a step forward before noticing that Iwaizumi had been standing right in front of him; his face is just inches away.

Jumping back in surprise, he parts his lips to say his usual greeting. 

It’s polite to say good morning.

_Oh, it’s morning. It’s morning? Whatever._

When Oikawa’s mouth finishes opening and he starts to speak, Iwaizumi says, “Good morning, Iwa-chan!”

_What?_

Iwaizumi talks again. “Iwa-chan, why are you saying what I’m saying— wait, I’m not even saying anything.” Oikawa grabs him by the shoulders. “WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING MY WORDS FOR ME? SAY SOMETHING! FOR YOURSELF, I MEAN! WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?” His breathing comes labored due to his outburst. 

When Iwaizumi simply stares back at him, face impassive, a vague feeling of dread crawls up Oikawa’s spine.

He gives Iwaizumi a good shake.

“Oi, is this some kind of joke? Stop it~” It’s still Iwaizumi’s voice that Oikawa hears, still his lips that are moving.

Suddenly, Oikawa feels a hand on his shoulder and he whips around. It’s a guy. Around his age? With black and white hair. It’s totally all standing up and spiky, what the heck? 

Spiky dude puts his hands on his hips. “Hey, hey, hey! You got a flat ass!”

_'Hey, hey, hey'?_

“ _Excuse me?”_ Still Iwaizumi.

Bokuto turns to look at Iwaizumi, who, it would seem, was the one who spoke. “Ah, I wasn’t talking to you. I’m talking to him.” He jabs a finger into Oikawa’s chest and looks him in the eye. “You have a flat butt.”

“ _HAH?_ AND _YOU—”_ Oikawa realizes that it must look strange that another guy kept answering, so he attempts at an explanation. “Oh, I— this guy—” He picks up Iwaizumi’s hand to point at himself. “He lost his voice, so, uh, I’m talking for him.”

Spiky looks from Oikawa to Iwaizumi a few times before answering, “Ah~ I see. Okay!”

_Huh? Is this guy stupid or something? Why did that just work?_

“Yes, so continuing from before, AND **_YOU_ ** HAVE AN ASS?”

“Sure I do.” Spiky says, very matter of factly. He turns around and shakes his butt at Oikawa, who takes a step back. “It’s big right?”

“Uh, yeah, I... guess… Good for you…” _Help? Somebody? What the fuck?_

Spiky turns back around, beaming. “I’ll give it to you.”

“Sorry, could you say that again? I think my soul left for a moment.” 

“I _said,”_ his grin widens, “I’ll. Give. It. To. You.” With that, Spiky reaches behind himself, Oikawa hears a sound—don’t ask him what he heard—and in Spiky’s hands is—it’s his voluptuous posterior he’s holding out. 

_Oh lord, please lend me your strength._

Oikawa clamps a hand over his mouth, suddenly feeling nauseous. “W—wait just a second. What are you— did you just _take off_ your ass?”

Spiky cocks his head to the side, looking at him curiously. “Yeah.”

“Uh, well, sorry but, no... thanks?” Spiky lowers his arms and his eyes seem to become soulless. “Ah shit.” Oikawa face palms. “Now he’s mad— Listen. Thanks for the offer, buddy, I really appreciate your generosity, but I think I’m fine with my butt. It’s not even _that_ fla—” He cuts himself off, yelping in surprise.

“What the— I get my voice back just as I say the word ‘ _flat’? WHAT KIND OF CRUEL JOKE IS THIS?”_

Iwaizumi speaks for himself for the first time. “It _is_ that flat, crappy-kawa.” 

Oikawa looks at Iwaizumi to see that the weird blank expression is gone from his face and he looks… _normal._

He jumps Iwaizumi, wrapping his arms around him. “Iwa-chan! Help me! This strange man is trying to give me his butt!”

“Huh? Then take it, why not?” 

Pulling back from the hug, Oikawa looks at Iwaizumi, flabbergasted and utterly offended. “Are you _saying_ that you _want_ my ass to be bigger?”

“Yeah, sure. Like I said, why not? The guy’s offering, just take it.” Oikawa looks back at “the guy” and “the guy” starts to stagger towards him; his eyes are still soulless looking. “Are you scared? Don’t worry; it’ll be over before you know it. Just stay still.” Iwaizumi grabs both his arms, holding them in a firm grip.

“Iwa-chan?” Oikawa’s voice trembles, “What are you doing?”

He smiles back at him. “Shh.”

“No—NO!” He knees Iwaizumi in the balls. His grip loosens and Oikawa jerks out of his grip, bolting in the opposite direction of whatever was just about to happen.

After running for what he felt was a good distance, he looks back. 

_They didn’t follow. Whew._

He’s bent over catching his breath when a voice comes from behind him. “Oikawa-san?”

He screeches, but trails off when he sees who it is. “Oh, it’s just you, Tobio-chan.”

“Oh, yeah. Hello.” Kageyama bows his head.

Oikawa realizes how disheveled he must look and puffs out his chest, attempting to recover. “Wh—what brings you here?”

“Ah. I was just taking a walk…” Kageyama takes a long slurp from his empty sounding milk carton. “Oikawa-san.” 

He watches as Kageyama’s gaze shifts downward. A feeling of terror washes over him. “What... is it?”

“Was your butt always that big?”

Oikawa’s eyes fly open. 

He takes in his surroundings.

He feels he’s drenched in a cold sweat and he sits up. His curtains are drawn, but light still manages to filter through, making the room visibly brightened. 

It’s morning.

His phone buzzes on his bedside table and his head jerks in the direction of the sound.

Picking it up, he sees that there’s a notification.

**1 new notification**

**Messages:**

**From Iwa <333:pppchan: What’s taking you so long I’m gonna leave if you don’t come out soon**

He flops back down onto his bed, putting an arm over his face.

_That was the worst._

  
  


—————

  
  


“I told you not to come.” Oikawa complains from under his covers. “Now you’re gonna catch it.”

“Nobody’s catching anything. Why didn’t you text me? It’s the least you could’ve done, shitty-kawa. Everybody was worried—actually, not really.”

Oikawa doesn’t come out from under his covers. He is, indeed, sick, but that’s not exactly the reason Iwaizumi’s visit is unwanted.

 _How can I even look him or Tobio-chan or Spiky in the eye after..._ THAT?

“Oi, say something. Are you dead?”

“Iwa-chan.”

“What.”

“Is there anything… you’d change about me? If you could?”

Iwaizumi stays silent for a few moments. “You tell me.”

“I’m being serious.”

“Hmm… then, it would be the size of your—”

“AHHHAHAHAHAHAH. HAH.”

“Hey, you’re the one who asked me. Don’t interrupt.”

“No. I decided I didn’t want to hear it anymore. You can shut up now.”

Iwaizumi does exactly that. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Suddenly, Oikawa’s head pokes out from under his sheets. “PLEASE SAY IT.” 

“I thought you didn’t want to hear it.” The first thing Oikawa sees is Iwaizumi standing over him, smirking; he goes back into hiding. “Oi, do you want to hear it or not?”

He doesn’t respond.

“Jesus, you’re really a pain in the ass.”

Oikawa cringes, internally and externally, at the word.

“I was going to say, the size of your—

He braces himself. 

—ego. 

But, if you had any smaller of an ego, you would be less trashy. And without trash, there would be nothing left of you. So, I guess I wouldn’t change anything after all.”

In the room, all is still. Iwaizumi stares at the shape of Oikawa under his sheets.

Alas, a sniffle breaks the silence.

This startles Iwaizumi. “Eh? What the hell are you crying for?”

Oikawa manages to say, “Iwa-chan, I love you,” before starting to sob uncontrollably.

His sheets are pried open, revealing a face reddened by both illness and crying, wet cheeks, and sn*t running. 

“Jeez, what the heck is wrong with you?” Iwaizumi panics, “Tissues, tissues—ah.” Getting a handful from the box, he shoves them into Oikawa’s face. “Stop crying. You’re really ugly.”

Oikawa bawls, “Thank you, Iwa-chaaan.”

“Did your fever really fry your brain? Wait here.” Iwaizumi leaves the room, returning with a basin of water and a towel. Setting down the water and pulling out a chair to sit by his bed, he wets the towel, wrings it out, and places it, folded neatly, on Oikawa’s forehead. “Gimme the tissues.” He turns around to toss them in the wastebasket nearby. 

Oikawa is no longer at peak breakdown, but he makes soft, whiny noises between sniffles.

“So,” Iwaizumi rests his elbows on his thighs, hunching over. “Why are you crying?”

“I don’t want to talk about it. I’ll tell you another time.”

“Hm.”

They sit/ lay in silence.

“Let’s get married, Iwa-chan.”

Iwaizumi smiles. “Is that how you propose to all your girlfriends? No wonder you always get dumped.”

Oikawa rolls onto his side to look at him. The towel on his head slides off. “I’ll propose properly. When I’m not sick.”

“Heh. So you actually like it when I mother you. You like the motherly type, huh.” 

Oikawa’s brows draw together and he starts to retort. “St—”

“Yeah, yeah. Go to sleep, already. Hurry up and come back.” He takes the fallen towel to rewet it. “The team needs you.”

“You’re right. What are you guys gonna do without the star of the show?” Iwaizumi smacks the towel down onto his forehead. “Iwa-chan! That’s not how you treat a sick person!”

“Shut up. Go to sleep.”

“Stay.”

“Hah?”

With Iwaizumi by his side, Oikawa feels his eyelids get heavy

“I said, stay.”

“You’re a big baby, you know that? Just, go to sleep.”

“Don’t want… to…also, I’m sorry… for your balls.”

.

  
  


Iwaizumi is watching Oikawa’s sleeping face when he mumbles in his sleep, “Iwa…”

To that, Iwaizumi’s eyes widen slightly, but his expression softens with a smile. Without thinking, he leans over Oikawa’s unmoving body and lifts the towel to place a chaste kiss on his forehead.

_What are you dreaming?_

  
  
  
  
  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> "Everybody say it with me! _Dat **a s s.**_ "
> 
> behold, my first kind of shitpost.


End file.
